NOW I remember Monday, Aug 27 2007

See previous post.

You know you might be have gone overboard watching the Hell’s Kitchen marathon with Gordon Ramsey when the following scene is played in your home:

The youngest daughter announces her intention to help me cook supper one night. She commands me to tell her what to do next and when I give her instructions she yells “YES CHEF!!!!!” and “RIGHT AWAY CHEF!!!” 

I am corrupting my children. People are going to think them odd. Who in their right mind has a 5 year old that quotes Gordon Ramsey cooking shows? Me-that’s who.

Sidenote: I find it very disturbing that for all the abuse and drama that Gordon Ramsey dishes out I still find him so sexy. Once again, I will note my need for therapy ASAP to address this unhealthy desire for abusive personalities. 

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It Was Right Here I Swear Thursday, Aug 23 2007

Don’t you hate it when something really cute happens and you think to yourself I am so gonna write about that and when you sit down at the computer you do a whole mind fart and for the life of your left ovary you cannot remember what it was. And then you go on this self induced guilt trip about how could you ever forget something precious that your child did-what kind of mother are you anyway?  It was right here at the tip of my mind-I swear. Trust me-it was just precious.

dammit.

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Better here than there Friday, Aug 17 2007

Call me. I am literally aching to hear your voice. I do not want to be the one to call. I need to have those conversations that just go on and on. You are my conversational lover. I am addicted to the sound of your voice.

I am trying hard not to call. I want to do what is right. But holy hell, doing right is killing me. I am just drying up inside , shriveling like a flower left in the sun with no relief in sight. I can physically feel it.

Of all the things denied to me, why can’t I have this one thing?  It is the closest thing to intimacy I have as a woman.

I have come to the conclusion that I need a relationship. There is no weakness, no shame in admitting that. It is just the way I am wired. And I have been alone long enough and a thousand miles of thinking have been done to get to this place in the journey.  I want for you to be the one. But I can only see that it is not to be after all.

This is the beginning of the end of you and me. I will quit you cold turkey. And suffer the agony of it all.  I will go deep inside myself to that place of sadness and pain. The alone place. In the meantime, I long for you. It is a physical ache.

I will make it through somehow. What other choice do I have really? I am so fffffffff’in alone. I wanted it to be you.

Goodbye.  

   

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