Uncategorized 3:06 pm
I torture myself with the thought of you. Of the thought of what I imagine you to be. A glimpse of you here, a whisper of your voice there, and it is just enough to hold on to the idea of you for just one more day.
I have to turn away from you. Or just keep tending the small, fragile flame that is you. Either way, I will break my own heart.
Uncategorized 2:01 pm
I am spending a lot of brain cells lately thinking about why my situation is well, my situation. What gets me out of bed in the morning. Just getting through one more day.
Is it fear? Fear of what people may think or say. I like to think I am above all that. My mantra has developed into “people are gonna say what they say and think what they are gonna think and I have no control over that-however right or wrong their perception is.”
Fear of the unknown, maybe? I mean when you get down to it, this afternoon is unknown. So, nope, that is not it.
I am not convinced that it is fear. I am leaning more towards guilt.
I know I am blessed beyond measure but am full of discontent. This is so not what I have envisioned for my life. So why do I torture myself so?
I feel guilty for wanting more than I have. For wanting to getting out of things I should have never done. Guilty, guilty, guilty. So do I think that I am serving a sentence and paying for disobedience in so many things? I do. I really, really do. If I get out of bed one more day and try so hard to do the right thing one more day then maybe, just maybe, I will have served enough time and receive God’s pardon.
I know that this is not a mature way of thinking. Knowing is one thing. Convincing the heart is another.
Uncategorized 7:40 pm
I have written in the past about my father’s twin. He was in town this weekend and I can hardly type as the tears start to fall once again today. It has been almost 30 years since my father passed away and the pain my sister and I are in today is just as acute.
No one is aware except her and I. No one has noticed that we are once again in mourning. It just comes out of somewhere far beyond left field. It can go by for years with hardly a twinge. But for some reason this year, this time, this visit, is just making us both sobbing wrecks. My emotions and nerves are laid wide open and every encounter with another human being today is actually physically painful.
We both feel incredibly alone together. How can it be that no one notices that we are not quite ourselves-that something is amiss? Because we are the daughters of an earth mother, caring and taking care of everyone around us with no thought for our own mental and emotional state. You just keep doing and going and doing and serving and taking it and for the love of God people can you not just let us mourn for one day? Can you notice for one minute that we are in pain? Can you handle your crap for today?
My father died. I miss my daddy.
