The One About Longing Tuesday, Feb 1 2011 

I realize it has been forever and a day since I wrote anything. And I miss it-putting the words down on paper has an actual effect on me. It has let met let go of some things-work through some things-and by the Grace of God forgive and even more miraculous-forget. So now I need to get this on paper and let it be.

I long to love someone.

Someone who is an emotional grown up.

To be equally yoked.

To dance in the living room to music only heard by two.

To look at my bestest friend and have a whole conversation without opening my mouth.

I am his beloved and he is mine…….

 

The One About Anger Monday, May 17 2010 

I read somewhere that anger is “unmet expectation.” That makes a lot of sense to me. It could also apply to being some cases of hurt.

If you have been hurt or angered, I think part of  the process of recovery should be an adjustment to your expectations. Not a  version of setting your expectations low in order to avoid the hurt or anger but a realistic picture of what someone is capable or not capable of being or doing.

For instance, I had expected that after going through a reconciliation process with someone and following all the rules for that process that we would be on a better and kinder path to one another. That our relationship would be one that mirrored what sisters in Christ should be.  That is what I expected. That is not what happened. At all. They had different scenario in mind.  Scenarios that brought others in to play and they would follow her lead.

So I retreated. Let time and the wandering of my mind and hopefully the leadership of God do its work.  I came to the conclusion that I needed to change my expectation of what the new relationship would be and how it changed the landscape of what I held as familiar.

My expectations are different now. The things that would anger or hurt me before this are to me now things I am not going to be bothered by. I cannot change this person’s behavior, thoughts, actions, etc. That is for God. Maybe I am still in the wrong, that is yet to be realized by me.  

In theory, it sounds logical. In practice, it is still hard to put myself in situations were I have to put this to the test. Just repeating to myself “this does not matter. it is what it is. let it go. they will not change who they are.”  Trying to hold back the tears at the thought of entering that room where I have to practice what I preach to myself. 

No one warns you that life is this damn hard.  If they did, who in their right mind would ever grow up?

The One About the Word “Covet” Friday, Apr 16 2010 

When you covet something it is an earnest wish or inordinate desire for what belongs to another-according to Merriam Webster online.  This is where I am going with this…….

I spend an inordinate (I like that word) amount of time on the internet, in real life, etc. observing the lives of others. I am interested in their comings and goings. The why’s and how come’s of how they live. And I covet.  Oh how I covet.

If I could just spend that amount of time trying to shape my life to look and feel as I imagine it could be . I see it but it is like the promised land that I just circle around time and time again.  Denied entrance. Cannot find the secret entryway. Don’t know the password.

I am not a covet-er of things. I covet relationships between people. Life long and best friends. Families that actually like being in each others company.  Other relationships that have become so far out of reach to me I doubt their very existence.

Why this defect in me?  How do I overcome? I just want to hide from it all. Go into my house and never leave again.  I am so very fragile and without defenses right now.  I feel I am being lashed out against from every corner.

Is this the pruning I ask God for?  In order to let me know the things that need to change is He letting the stuff that needs to go just beat me down?  Will I let it go and finally get to the other side?

I have begged for mercy in the past when I have landed at these places.  Pleaded for God to just settle down and let me be. Don’t move me for I am absolutely certain that whatever is in store is just horrible and awful.

But what if this time I face the pain head on? What if I say “yes Lord-this needs to change.”  It may be some of the hardest things I have ever done but it is time for letting to. A time to say “enough. just…enough of this.” 

Am I convicted enough of letting go and saying “go ahead, make it better. It is going to hurt like hell but it will be better on the other side.”  It will difficult, I will be even more exhausted.  People are going to get hurt in the process. 

I have make a stand. I cannot do this way of life anymore.  I covet that picture in my head.  The question is how earnest and inordinate is the desire to get it.

If I don’t do this now I will be done for. A shell of a person.  I will literally die long before physical death.  I want to live.

The One I Had To Write Down Wednesday, Feb 3 2010 

I am the lover with no one to love. The seeker who could not find.

There is a song out there with almost these words in it.  I heard it and thought to myself “that’s it, that describes exactly what I feel like.”  

So I had to write it down. I have found that writing things out here re-wires my brain and heart and is very freeing in some ways.  Things that need to be gone. Places I need to move on from. Obsessions that need to cease.

So what if I have no one to love. To quote another “I cannot love the one I am with.” I can no longer be the little girl trying to love the one who causes me harm. I have grown. I want to love like a lover should. 

But I no longer seek. I do not need it to survive.  And survive I will.   That is my testimony. The only thing I need is God. 

I read someone’s entry the other day about faith and fear. When God asks us to have faith, he is really asking us to do that whatever it is we fear. I fear never having that kind of love.  I will let it go. Lay it down. 

Now, where do I go from here?

The One With My First Album Review Tuesday, Jan 19 2010 

I have recently become obsessed with John Mayer’s new album Battle Studies. And I wonder: does Jennifer Aniston listen to it for echoes of herself? Of them together? 

I like this album right now. It just reaches the middle of me. That is the best way to describe it.  Music is very powerful to me.  It speaks to me. And speaks for me when I don’t have the words.

So, today, I give this album **** stars. Maybe this time next year it will be a *** or a **.  Here’s hoping.

The One About 2010 Saturday, Jan 2 2010 

Happy New Year! I have cooked (Jack Daniel’s Dipping Sauce-mighty fine stuff!), done laundry, spent a useless amount of money at Hobby Lobby, and researched growing garlic on the internets.

Try to keep up people. I am on a roll………..

The One Where I Am Trying To Avoid Doing Something Stupid Thursday, Dec 17 2009 

I am going to write this post in a effort to keep myself from writing and sending a pointless e-mail.  Things I will do instead of wasting time composing a witty e-mail that will produce a unsatisying response that  will lead to more insanity:

1.  Continue on my ongoing Twitter campaign to have Matthew Perry respond to one of my responses to his tweets.

2. In the event the whole Matthew Perry thing doesn’t pan out, twitterize Peter Frampton as a back up plan.

3. Continue to google about nonsense saving crap to my favorites and cruising the Internet like a squirrel on crack.

4. Do some actual work.

5.Plan my menu for the next two weeks complete with alphabetized and color coordinated food items.

6. Read more “textsfromlastnight.com” and wonder who in the name of baby ezra are those people.

7. Track my menstrual cycle by moon charts.

8. Wonder what the hell is wrong with me………

The One Where I Am…I Don’t Know What I Am…… Thursday, Dec 10 2009 

I never learn. I have to keep repeating the same thing over and over again. Insanity-expecting a different result.

The One Where I Tell Myself To Get Over Myself Friday, Sep 4 2009 

Dear self:

Get over it already. All this moaning and carrying on about getting through one more day. Please, you are not trying to raise kids in a refugee camp, fighting for your very existence, battling a dreaded disease, or any other horrible scenario.

However, the current state of your desk is something that would cause anyone to recoil in horror. Do something about that.

The One About You Friday, Aug 28 2009 

I torture myself with the thought of you. Of the thought of what I imagine you to be. A glimpse of you here, a whisper of your voice there, and it is just enough to hold on to the idea of you for just one more day. 

I have to turn away from you. Or just keep tending the small, fragile flame that is you.  Either way, I will break my own heart.

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