PSA #1 Friday, Jun 22 2007 

When you bite into a Snickers-the candy bar that really satisfies-and when you look down and the filling is booger green, DO NOT panic. You have picked up the Shrek Snicker with the ogre green filling and not some putrid, rotten, OMG I am gonna hurl Snicker.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

Seriously Tuesday, Jun 19 2007 

When my youngest daughter was just about 2 years old, she decided to eat a mushroom that had sprung up out of the ground one fine spring morning.  Me, being the concerned mother, called Poison Control to see if this could be an issue. The conversation went as follows:

PC: Poison Control-How may we assist you?

Me: My child has eaten a mushroom from outside and I need to know if this something to get taken care of.

PC: What kind of mushroom?

Me: One of those white kind that come up in your yard-usually after it rains.

PC: How old is the child?

Me: She is about 2.

PC: We don’t think she is in any danger. The only thing to watch for is if she starts hallucinating and chasing imaginary butterflies. Then you need to take her to the emergency room.

Me: **crickets** She is 2-all 2 years olds act hallucinatory and chase imaginary butterflies. Are you kidding me?

PC: You have a point, m’am.

Me: I think I do. Seriously.

Confessions Thursday, Jun 14 2007 

I’ve got a crush on you. Just so you know.

Explain This To Me Please Wednesday, Jun 13 2007 

What is it about the entering into the state of matrimony that makes things different than they were before? I mean in the context of when someone has co-habitated with their new spouse for a lenghty time before they decided to enter into the state of matrimony.  Shouldn’t all the why’s and where’s and when’s and hell no not even for you baby be pretty much figured out at that point?

I have never “shacked up” with anyone (note: I hate that term “shacked up”). Went straight from my mother’s house to my marital home.  What an eye opener actually living with someone is.  So I would tend to think that you would know someone if you lived with them before you married them. And enter into that marriage knowing this is how they roll.

I find it painful to watch a newly married couple that is just struggling from the get go to make things work. Expectations they did not even know they had come out of nowhere and they are at a loss on how to handle it. Or even more painful is to watch that happy, hopeful young woman slowly deflate into a sad and lonely woman. Cause she just did not know this is how things were really going to be. 

So, my number one rule for a happy marriage. Know yourself. How do you feel about marriage, religion, children, child rearing, money, how you want to make living, holidays, relatives, porn, hobbies, etc.  My number two rule is communication. Tell him/her how you really feel or think about something even when it is hard for you to voice it. Do not leave things unsaid because you do not want to make the other one mad or think less of you or whatever. 

I have often pondered that marriage counseling should include time with those of us that have had a marriage from hell. Lessons from the walking wounded.  I own up to my failings as a wife.  I went into my marriage not knowing who I was.  And that just led to repercussions of gigantic proportions. That is a sure fire way to screw something up.

I look forward to the day I can be in a good and healthy relationship. I want to be married to my bestest friend ever. I just have not run across him yet.  And the fact that I am not even in a place-emotionally, physically, spiritually-for that to even be possible eats away at me more and more with each passing day.  It may never happen. And that scares me so much I cannot even breathe thinking about it.  What if I never get the fairytale? I am not afraid to be alone-I have been alone most of my life. I am the caretaker. I want to be the cared for. 

I had someone tell me the reason he could not go on was because he felt I did not need him.  I thought-WTH? I thought men did not like “needy” women? I do not need someone to support me financially or take care of my children or to complete me. But I do have wants.  A whole list of them.

Just once I want to get it right. To be the best someone to someone else. I want to be close to someone. I want intimacy. Yeah, the big, scary “I” word. I want it. I want affection.  I want to be on the same page with someone. I want to sit beside someone at church. I want to hold hands. I want to laugh as much as possible. I want to get hot and bothered. I want someone to think my daughters are wonderful and a blessing. I want to be the comfort he seeks. 

Those of you that have the good kind of marriage are so unbelievably lucky. It is blessing that few have. I know most people would think that they are in the “good kind” category but it is so, so rare.  Where can I get me one of those? 

       

Lord I Apologize Tuesday, Jun 12 2007 

I don’t mean to sound so cranky. I realized that some of my most recent entries sound just a wee bit…well, bitchy.  I will do better, I swear.  I feel like one big whiny kid who didn’t get what I wanted when I wanted it.  And I am so tired of being tired, and disappointed, and full of despair, and just weary.

Man, am I a bucket of fun or what?  Don’t answer that…………

What The H-E-double hockey sticks? Monday, Jun 11 2007 

I watch the Sopranos.  I like James Gandolfini. But the final episode was such a nothing.  I think I have to watch it again to understand just what David Chase was thinking when he wrote that piece of nothing. If I wanted to watch a show about nothing, I would have watched Seinfeld instead. 

Just another boil on the butt that was my weekend. 

Memo RE: My weekend plans Friday, Jun 8 2007 

Where I Wish I Was: At Biloxi Beach in Mississippi cause 1. it’s the beach and 2. Peter FRIKKIN Frampton will be performing there this weekend. 

Where I Am: Still at work cause karma knows it is Friday afternoon and held onto that little computer glitch just to get my knickers in a twist.

What I Will Be Doing This Weekend: Laundry and packing for the two middle children who are off to church camp next week.

Momma ain’t happy.

Waiting on the Doorman Monday, Jun 4 2007 

I have all I need. That is my new mantra. I will repeat it over and over. I have all I need. I am blessed. I have my health, my kids are healthy, a roof over my head, food on the table, clean water to drink, access to medical care, and a good job. I have friends. I am a child of God.

Wants are entirely different matter. I have wants and desires. And those wants and desires are sometimes held at bay and at other times torment me with their volume. I have always contended that the devil’s best weapon is distraction. We are distracted by what we don’t have and drive ourselves insane by trying to figure out how to get it. Our with thoughts of why we don’t have what we want and why does so and so have it and I don’t. It is an endless vicious merry go round.

I have lived my life as it happens. I do not plan, accomplish goals, or try. I always assumed that whatever happens is meant to happen and I have very little control over it. Because all that goal setting and working is just so frikkin’ hard. And God is in control, right? He has me right where he wants me? Right? Or, is it through my indecision and lack of paying attention that I have wandered off into somewhere I have no place being? And the wakeup calls are just gonna get bigger and louder?

During the sermon yesterday it was made clear to me that we are given all we need. And if there is something we want, we have been given the resources to get it. A life lived by indecision or waiting on God to provide a burning bush is a life unlived. Try that door-if it is open then you are going in the right direction. If the door remains closed, try another door. And another. Just do something. Don’t sit and wait for the doorman.