A Reminder Tuesday, Jul 31 2007 

One of my middle daughters whom I refer to here as Mo had a birthday this past Saturday. We have discussed birthday party plans numerous times trying to nail down just what it is she wants to do. And my growing frustration at the everchanging landscape of these plans.

But then I re-visited the blog that leaves me breathless every single time I go. If you google Eliot and 99 balloons you will find your way to the blog written by Eliot’s father. Eliot lived only 99 days. But what a life Eliot had. His parents celebrated each and every single day that child was on this earth. Matt writes some of the most profound things I have ever in my life read. Literally takes my breath away.

And in the comments of an entry I was reminded to celebrate my child’s birthday with all the joy and enthusiasm I have ever had. Because in one house we plan for a birthday. In another house, parents dream of another birthday.

Forgive me Lord.

Harry Potter #7 Monday, Jul 23 2007 

Got it Saturday. Read it Saturday. Liked it and was pleased by the somewhat happy ending. Pleasantly surprised that HP was in the end granted happiness.

This is totally off topic but we had a visiting Pastor at church yesterday filling in for our Pastor who is currently in China on a mission trip. He gave two of the best sermons I have heard in a while. Anyways…his sermon had 4 excellent points that I just realized were HP applicable:

1. God has big big plans for you.

2. God is not going to tell you what they are.

3. The waiting for the plans to come about is not going to be easy.

4. We are to walk by faith. Assured that even though we do not know where we are headed, God does and he will directs our steps.

 I am in a better place-emotionally, mentally, spiritually-today.  We are now in the honeymoon phase of the abuse cycle. Things will be peaceful for awhile and I will gather my strength for the storm to come.  No way to live a life I agree. But God has big big plans for me. I will find peaceful waters in which to live soon. And I am strong. Stronger than you know.

Save Me From This Nothing I Have Become Wednesday, Jul 18 2007 

Like most people in a long term abusive relationship, I have finally reached the stage of detachment. I have no anger, no pain, no feeling what so ever. Like I wandering around on massive doses of Zoloft without actually having to take the drug.

On the surface there are no visible effects. Life goes on as usual. But underneath the only strong feeling I have is fear. I am scared of myself. No joy, no sorrow, no empathy, nothing. A big black vacuum of nothingness.

Just when I thought there is no more damage to be done, another bag is added to the truckload of baggage I lug around.

I know that the detachment is a coping mechanism. I know it is my mind’s way of protecting itself. But it is killing my soul. I have nothing to give to it.  And I am SCARED witless.  But in all honesty at least now I can function without feeling like I am walking on the edge of a breakdown. Before the nothingness, I was bitter and emotion driven.  At least now the those demons are quiet.

I read somewhere the other day that “denial is a save now pay later scheme.” That is wisdom. The denial I fed my soul for years has come for payment. Time to pay up-and the price is steep.  So now all this left is the fear.

Be very careful fo each and every step you take in life. Pay attention to where the hell you are going. Because sometimes you get so far off the path you wander into the nothingness.  It is a lonely and cold place. A place far from the comfort of God.

I have become the nothing. I exist. That’s pretty much my contribution to the planet. 


My Movie Review Friday, Jul 13 2007 

Well, we all loaded up in Ma’s car and headed to the picture show Wednesday nite to see the latest installment of Harry Potter. I was looking forward to it-I am a dork that way.

I, for one, was not disappointed.  We watch so much crap that when you see someone that really really has the talent and skill for acting it is like a moment of pure joy. Gary Oldman is that kind of actor for me. He is just amazing.  This director make a very dark and subdued movie but it let the actors do some acting. Not standing around while the special effects did all the work.  To quote my youngest ” I liked it a lot.”

The night before this I got around to watching “The Devil Wears Prada.” On the surface I did not think I would care all that much for it.  And the story was predictable about where it was heading. But Meryl Streep was fabulous. It was a joy just to watch here even though I knew where the story was going. She is  an unbelievably talented actor and baby got skills.

So, there you have it. My two for one movie review. I give them both the “Not a waste of two hours of my life I will never get back” rating.   Just one of the many services I offer.

Happy Birthday Uncle Mike Sunday, Jul 8 2007 

Today is my Uncle Mike’s birthday.  He is my father’s brother.  They were very close growing up and had a bond that few of us will ever experience. They were identical twins.

If you notice I use the word “were.”  That would be because my daddy passed away 27 years ago. I was 14 years old. Daddy was only 38-he had a massive coronary with no warning and was gone in the blink of eye one Friday afternoon.

Even though it was 27 years ago, sometimes the pain will hit me and I have to stop, take a step back and just remember to let it go.  The death of a loved one is not something you ever really get over you just learn to live a little differently.  I miss my Daddy something fierce. 

He was a man that loved my momma. My mother has said not only did she lose her husband but she also lost her best friend. And that is devastating.  To lose both in one fell swoop.  He loved to laugh, was adored his little ole ladies he taught in Sunday School, and was an excellent salesman. He often talked in his sleep trying to sell stuff to people. He was in the oil and gas business and was a smart cookie.  Daddy cooked the best ribs ever with just some water, oil, salt and pepper. Men would hang around the grill asking him how he did it. He worked hard-into the ground basically.  My sister and I inherited that work ethic along with the ability to 10 key by touch like a squirrel on speed. 

When I miss my father these days it is often in relation to my daughters.  He would have loved them bunches and spoiled them like only a beloved grandfather can do.  He will never see these beautiful darlings and I will never see them together laughing and loving.

But as fate would have it, I do have one precious gift. I get to see my father as he would have been now through my Uncle Mike. When I say there were identical  I cannot stress enough how identical they were. The sound of their voice, their laugh, even their mannerisms are the same. They were the kind of twins that even had their own language that only the 2 of them spoke when they were young. My uncle does not live near me and I only see him once a year but he always makes sure to come to my house and visit. He knows that seeing him is a pleasure and a pain. We have never spoken of it but it is always there-both us of knowing but never acknowledging it. 

Give your daddy a great big hug and kiss. Tell him you love him and you could not ask for a better grandpa for your kids.  Do not let it go by without getting this done.  Remember-blink of eye people-just like that the opportunity will be gone forever.

Happy Birthday Uncle Mike. I love you-xxxooo.             

I Need A Hobby. Seriously. Friday, Jul 6 2007 

Driving home yesterday and meandering through the post it notes in my mind I stumbled across an epiphany. A totally useless epiphany but most of mine are not Oprah lightbulb moments. Anyhooooo. I digress.

It occurred to me that in reading and movies, etc., I am always drawn to the dark, brooding, soul-troubled character. The one that swims in the deep dark water. The one that on the surface seems to be quiet but the deep feelings are just churning underneath. The one that needs to be saved from themselves.  I offer the following evidence:

My totally dorkified crush on Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice. He seems so aloof but he is just full of passion for Elizabeth.

In a series of books I have recently read, I keep going back to the one that is the troubled soul of the group. The one that will be lost except for the love of one person.  Without her, he would have been destroyed by his own demons.

In the movie King Arthur-the one with Clive Owen-I was all about the knight Tristan. The dude with the hawk. Quiet, aloof and alone. Totally hawt.

So, what does this mean in the grand scheme of things? Not a damn thing. Just an interesting self observation.  But how does this self realization explain my crush on the puppy/kitten loving Nilbo? Dark and brooding he ain’t people.

I crack myself up.

I Am One Snarky Mofo Sometimes Tuesday, Jul 3 2007 

I don’t really know if snarky is a word but it describes my evil twin’s bitter and sarcastic nature that will occasionally rise up and rear its ugly head.  Usually when she is browsing the Yahoo personals for her own personal amusement. But surely she is not the only one that finds the tagline “Mountain of a Man” highly entertaining and grandiose.

Monday Monday Monday, Jul 2 2007 

Monday Monday  (dada…dadadada)

Took a little break.  Just a little busy at work and life stuff. 

Feeling a little blue today.  Hell, a lot blue if the whole truth be told.

I am caught like a deer in headlights. Absolutely floored by another human being’s selfishness and sense of entitlement just because they can.  Just because you can DOES NOT mean you should.  Yet you do. Over and over again. For so long now I can hardly breathe.  I am dying inside. I am dying.