When you covet something it is an earnest wish or inordinate desire for what belongs to another-according to Merriam Webster online. This is where I am going with this…….
I spend an inordinate (I like that word) amount of time on the internet, in real life, etc. observing the lives of others. I am interested in their comings and goings. The why’s and how come’s of how they live. And I covet. Oh how I covet.
If I could just spend that amount of time trying to shape my life to look and feel as I imagine it could be . I see it but it is like the promised land that I just circle around time and time again. Denied entrance. Cannot find the secret entryway. Don’t know the password.
I am not a covet-er of things. I covet relationships between people. Life long and best friends. Families that actually like being in each others company. Other relationships that have become so far out of reach to me I doubt their very existence.
Why this defect in me? How do I overcome? I just want to hide from it all. Go into my house and never leave again. I am so very fragile and without defenses right now. I feel I am being lashed out against from every corner.
Is this the pruning I ask God for? In order to let me know the things that need to change is He letting the stuff that needs to go just beat me down? Will I let it go and finally get to the other side?
I have begged for mercy in the past when I have landed at these places. Pleaded for God to just settle down and let me be. Don’t move me for I am absolutely certain that whatever is in store is just horrible and awful.
But what if this time I face the pain head on? What if I say “yes Lord-this needs to change.” It may be some of the hardest things I have ever done but it is time for letting to. A time to say “enough. just…enough of this.”
Am I convicted enough of letting go and saying “go ahead, make it better. It is going to hurt like hell but it will be better on the other side.” It will difficult, I will be even more exhausted. People are going to get hurt in the process.
I have make a stand. I cannot do this way of life anymore. I covet that picture in my head. The question is how earnest and inordinate is the desire to get it.
If I don’t do this now I will be done for. A shell of a person. I will literally die long before physical death. I want to live.
Hootie Mac Lives Here 
You know…having just come out of a bout of clinical depression myself (mixed with ongoing anxiety for bonus points), much of what I read in your blog sounds like what I used to say. I found that antidepressants were the thing that made it possible for me to do everything else, instead of beating myself up for not doing what I should and wanting what I couldn’t have.
Just a thought…survival skills are awesome but sometimes we do want to do more than survive….
That is true-the need to do more than survive. Sometimes you look beyond just surviving to the other stuff you would like to do or have.